What if I stopped asking "what if?"

I find myself asking a lot of "What if" questions lately.  I've done this throughout my life.  Sometimes I'm asking backwards "what ifs":  What if I had never done ________.  These days its more of the forward "what ifs":  What if it has metastacized?

The truth is, "what if" isn't the right question.  All of my "what ifs" already have an answer, and that answer is Jesus.  He is enough.  He has won the battle.  His promises are guaranteed.  Our relationship is not based on mere agreements.  They are based on a covenant.  God promised that He would save me.  In return, all I have to do is believe that He did it.

In Genesis 13-15 the Bible tells me about the covenant God made with Abraham.  Back then when a covenant was made, the two parties would take an animal, cut it in half, lay it on the ground and then make the covenant and walk between the parts of the animal together.  The idea was, "If either of us breaks this covenant, may this (animal cut in half) happen to the one who broke it."  So, God tells Abraham to gather one of each of the traditional sacrificial animals, a calf, a goat, a lamb, a dove, etc.  This covenant was so important that every single sacrificial animal was used.  They cut them in half and laid them out on the ground.  Then God spoke the covenant....and put Abraham to sleep.  God walked through the animals alone.  By doing this He said, "If either of us break this covenant, may this happen to me."

Of course, Abraham and his descendants broke the covenant over and over, every single day.  And God was torn in two.  He died on the cross because we didn't keep the covenant.

How can I ask "what if" when I know the answer.  Q: "What if I have cancer?"  A: "God loves  you so much he sent his only son."  Q: "What if the cancer is widespread?" A: "God loves you so much he sent his only son." Q: "What if my children lose their mother and my husband loses his wife?" A: "God loves them so much he sent his only son."

There is no "what if" in the life of this Believer.  There is only "who."

A Glimpse Inside

Anyone who knows my family realizes that I'm the mouthpiece.  My wonderful husband doesn't talk near as much or as often as I do...but then he really doesn't have to since I pretty much never shut up.

Through our 19 1/2 years of marriage, we've had our communication fiascos.  Me, desperately trying to force him to open up and tell me what's going on inside that handsome head of his, and Him trying to figure out what to say that won't result in yet another outburst from me.  I need to hear my emotions to work through them, and he needs to work through them before they're voiced.  It can lead to some dicey situations.

I'm reaching the point where I recognize that he needs time to process the outpouring of emotions I've just spewed.  If he doesn't respond immediately, it doesn't mean he doesn't care or wasn't listening.

This morning, I told him I thought it was strange that I hadn't really experienced any anger yet, and I asked if he was at all angry about my health situation.  I'm sharing his response in this blog, because I think people need to see the real back-and-forth that goes on when faced with this kind of yuckiness in your life. I also want folks to know how incredibly blessed I am to be married to this man.

Well, you asked me this morning if I was angry and I can't really say that I have felt anger.  I know it bothers you that I don't show my emotions, so I will try to tell you where I am and what I am feeling.  You may want to have some kleenex handy.

 

I think I am feeling sadness more than anything, mostly thinking about all the possible negative outcomes.  What if this is our last (fill in the blank) together?  What if you never get to see the kids graduate from college, see them get married, meet your grandchildren?   How will I ever be able to do all those things without you?  What if I never get the chance to take you to Paris?  I've never thought of the possiblity of growing old without you...and I really don't want to start thinking about it, so I would rather dwell on the positive things like the times we can spend together now.  That's why I keep saying we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. 

 

I know God has all of this covered, no matter the outcome.  His grace is sufficient and I will be by your side no matter what!

 

I love you so much!

His Grace is Sufficient

If I'm honest, I'll admit that deep down I believe that if my life is difficult it means I'm being punished.  At the very least, I believe God is trying to teach me some lesson.  If I can just learn the lesson, the suffering will stop.  2 Corinthians 11 and 12 make it very clear that Paul suffered A LOT.  However, I don't think that god was punishing Paul.  Three times he asked God to take away the thorn in his flesh, and God said, "No."  God told Paul that His grace is sufficient.

On this first Sunday of Advent, the traditional HOPE Sunday, I choose to believe that God's grace truly is enough for me. 

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
'Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand
"When the Going Gets Tough"
http://www.gracechurchnwa.org/gracecast

Black Friday with Friends

My daughters and I went shopping today, the day after Thanksgiving; the infamous Black Friday.  We didn't get up in the middle of the night, but we headed out earlier than usual.  We shopped, had a lovely lunch, saw a sweet movie, and finished out the day with  a favorite Christmas DVD and Thanksgiving leftovers.  As I spent time with my girls, I realized that we had turned that corner.  We laughed and teased each other.  We shared intimate thoughts and dreams.  We acted like old friends, and it was wonderful.

I've lived my whole life never considering that I might not bounce my grandbabies on my knee.  I fully expect to still get to do that, but I've just never acknowledged that it isn't promised. 

So yesterday, as I looked across the lunch table and watched my girls laugh and enjoy each other, and as I saw my older daughter roll her eyes as her little sister tried on jeans that were just a bit tight, I thanked God for each and every moment I've gotten to spend with them.  I told him my longing for a lot more of these days, and I promised to never again take for granted that every second with my family is a gift from Him.

Giving Thanks

How wonderful it is to live in a country that sets aside one day per year for the purpose of showing gratitude.  I'm not really sure who you thank if you aren't a Believer in Jesus.  Yourself?  Your Mom?

I had real pain for the first time last night.  So far pain hadn't been one of my symptoms, but it reared its ugly head last night.  Up to this point, I hadn't really thought about how it might physically feel to fight this battle.  As I lay there waiting for the Tylenol PM to work its magic, my mind wandered to stories I've heard about friends with cancer, and I got scared.

I am an admitted whimp when it comes to pain.  I don't like it and try to avoid it if at all possible.  Then I thought about all the people I know who are in constant pain.  My Dad has been suffering for over 20 years after both of his shoulders were crushed in a submarine accident.  A friend, Scott, also has severe shoulder pain every day.  I've known people with terrible back pain from old injuries and several women with fibromyalgia.  How do they keep functioning?  How do they not lose hope?

I rarely ask that question when I talk to them.  I usually avoid the subject of their misery when I can.  To ask the question and invite the conversation would cost me something.  I would have to join in their suffering and share some of their pain.  Am I willing to do that?  I think perhaps now I am.

So today, I am thankful that I suffered last night. It reminded me of my friends who endure this on a regular basis and how selfish I've been in not coming alongside them and carrying part of their burden, even if just for a little while.  And I was reminded that Jesus did that for me.  He saw our suffering and misery, left His Father's side, and came alongside us to carry our burden.   While he did suffer horribly on the Cross, he also walked with us, made friends, saw their pain and wept.  What a Savior.  Thank you.

Waking Up in the Dark and Thought Captivity

Lately I've been waking up before the sun.  This is not planned, there just seems to be some switch in my brain that flicks on and I can't for the life of me figure out how to turn it back off.  During this time, the house is quiet except for the puppies playing, and there's a lot of time to think.

I work as the administrator at our church, and I'm usually the only one in the building.  That gives me a lot of time to think, too.  Thinking is not inherently bad.  In fact, there are a lot of folks I would like to introduce to the concept.  However, when you've gotten some "bad news" long periods of uninterrupted thinking can be dangerous.

A couple of weeks ago we studied the portion of 2 Corinthians where Paul talks about "taking every thought captive for Christ."  I'm not going to mention the reference, because it would be best to just read the whole book rather than take it out of context.  These days I'm really having to put some effort into that captivity.  It looks something like this:

"What if I don't get to attend my kids' weddings?"  (start waterworks here)
"Listen lady...you are more than a conqueror.  You are going to beat this!"  (this is my "pull-yourself-up-by the-bootstraps-you-self-sufficient-American" mentality)
"But what if its advanced?  Theres only a 23% 5-year survival rate." (more waterworks)
"There are so many new treatments, and you have great doctors."  (the "put your faith in man" mentality)
"But I waited so long to go to the doctor." (hitting forehead with hand)
"You should be praying.  God wants you to pray...and read Scripture." (the "do the right thing guilt manipulation")
"I know.  No wonder I'm sick. I suck as a Believer." (the "God can be manipulated" thought)
"You know that's not true.  Jesus died for you.  You are not being punished.  Jesus took your punishment."  (wake-up call)
"I know, I know.  I just don't want to miss out on my kids' lives."  (a few more waterworks)
"You are SO blessed with children who know Jesus.  You have eternity to spend with them.  Worst case scenario, you leave this portion of your life and pick up in the next...with no sickness, no death, no tears.  And Jesus will take care of your children just like he always has."  (truth is found)
"I know.  God is good."  (door is closed)
"All the time."  (key is turned)

The waterworks continue for a while, mind you.  They're free-flowing even as I type it.  But if I stop at any point in that thought process, I miss the truth.  This happens over and over again all though the day.  Thought captivity is work, but it is so worth it.

And it begins...

I've attempted blogs before.  Maybe this will take.  Maybe not.  Whatever.

My name is not Hope, although that would make this blog's name really cool and ironic.  My name is actually Monica.

My favorite verse in the Bible (yes, I'm one of "those" people) is Romans 15:13 - "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  Thus, the name of the blog.

So, this blog is going to be about how hope can flow out of any situation, even a diagnosis of probable cancer.  All I have to do is trust, and the hope will happen.